Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Authentic Rollercoaster

I have two main personal desires I want to focus on this year: to know what it means to be truly in love with Jesus and to be authentic. I'm going to write about the in love with Jesus thing tomorrow.

Mentioning a desire for authenticity isn't to say there is a wish to replace something counterfeit. At the heart of it is a desire to be real with people about how I'm doing and what is going on in my head/heart. As a leader there is a responsibility that I have to be an example to people, but I don't feel that means being fake in what I'm experiencing in life. Sometimes it seems like REM's song "Shiny Happy People" was written about church leaders. Not that I want to rewrite it as "Gloomy Depressed People", nor do I want to celebrate negative things or even go as far as embracing some type of wrong. I just want to be real in what I'm going through. That's an authenticity I don't think I've seen enough of in others nor have I shown myself.

So in an effort to be authentic: the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster for me.

Sunday was anger - someone made me so mad, seeing straight was difficult for the rest of the night. Had to go for a walk because I didn't want to take it out on Jeannette or Baylee.

was disappointment & frustration - having to rely on seemingly unreliable matters.

was slight fear & sadness - got a call that my mom was going into the E.R. because of intense pain in her back. The short version of everything with her is that she has to have her gall bladder taken out. Understanding that it is a routine thing is one thing, but when I first heard the whole situation it freaked me out. I was pretty upset on the way home from our 20's group.

Of course these weren't three separate, individual days - they were three dominoes that fell over into one another, making a large blob of black.

The three days weren't 100% horrible. Jeannette, Baylee, and I had a great visit with my mom in Indiana Monday night (not knowing what was coming Tuesday). Had a great first day of class at Moody Tuesday morning, a great meeting with AL & Grace in the afternoon, and a great 20's group Tuesday night. It wasn't all gloom.

But...the gloom cloud hovered; seemingly just over my shoulder throughout all the three days.

One thing I realized today is that throughout these days and emotions I've been going through, I never dove into my journal. That's where I have focused time with God, and that would have brought healthy perspective to things. Not going there was Dumb on my part.

Today (Wed) was better though. Waking up at 6am sucked - but that's when Baylee was up. Not wanting her to fall back asleep - I got up with her and we played for three hours straight. That ended with both of sleeping in the chair for an hour, our heads touching as I held her to my chest. When I woke up from that nap I said to myself..."Yeah, things will all be OK."

It's like when Elijah was ready to kill himself - God didn't give him "the answer," direction, or a lecture on why he wasn't being a good example. He made him eat something and go to bed.

I hadn't eaten anything yet - but 3hrs of play and a good nap with Baylee did the trick.

When I get ticked, let-down, or just plain down - I know I need to stop and get focused. Journal and let it out to Him. If I don't the black cloud just never leaves, and that just makes the rest of the day (week) even worse.

Yeah, so that's been my week so far.

1 comment:

Vanessa said...

I hope your mom is feeling better. I will pray for her.